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Even Hugh and Edward were watching, their own fearforgotten."You will know if you have been chosen. Flames will eat at you, neitherhot nor cold, not painful but nevertheless consuming, leaving void intheir wake. They will erase your physical being, leaving only youressence. What you are will cease, but who you are will continue. You arebeing baptized for your new life, freed from the cage of what was."I wanted to scream, to shout, anything but speak in that monotone. Theflames, dear God, the flames! It was a conflagration, I was beingdevoured, flesh and bone alike consumed as the fire traveled along mybody. Everyone was looking at me, but no one was moving. Couldn't they seewhat was happening? I was being incinerated before their very eyes! Whywas no one helping? Why I couldn't I cry out? Why was I only speaking thisawful ritual?"The changing cannot move. Do not try. Even now you are not lost. You aremerely being remade, the skeins of destiny being rewound and rewoven. Youfeel a dull. The problem is not He. It's me. i have done something to cause me to doubt. i was thrown by the comments of the person at work, and i allowed a small seed of self-doubt to grow. As it got larger, i panicked. It is *i* who feel i am not pleasing Him, not He who feels this way. *i* feel i am not doing enough. Not pleasing enough. Not attractive enough. Not selfless enough. Not serving enough. Not deserving enough. i'm simply not enough. Period. It seems He has accepted me as i am, but i still haven't. And after a moment i realize He probably knows this. Part of me is miserable with the discovery, feeling a sense of failure because i have discovered that i feel i am a failure, and in irony i realize this is a vicious circle, which will feed on itself if left unchecked. A small part of me is a little relieved that at least now i will have an answer for Him when He asks to hear it. i have no idea how long i've been in the corner, perhaps 30 minutes. He has been quietly sitting behind me.
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