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......What a fucked up life this is I thought.I had taken my laptop to the states and on it I had photographs of Amanda and I in happier times, some nights my heart would feel heavy at the loss, but I never let it show in my few emails to Amanda, I had been in the states about 5 months when I received a email from Susan saying how worried she was about Amanda it seemed she had lost a lot of weight and was in trouble keeping on top of her job so much so that she had been forced to take some leave to sort herself out. Susan begged me to be kinder to Amanda and ended her email by adding that she really believed that Amanda thought what she was doing was for both our benefits and begged me to call Amanda for a chat if I still cared about her to help her through her depression.That evening I sat down and composed a long email in which I explained all my feelings, the betrayal, the sickness in my stomach and how I hated her and myself for letting it happen, I reminded her how I had accepted. I do enjoy all the froufrourituals as you call them." She waited, saying nothing. "Now andthen." She still waited, looking at me with those wide, wide eyes,listening, expressing nothing. I saw she'd cleaned away hersmudged eye shadow, and her small, lovely face looked luminous,expectant. I couldn't read her thoughts at all. Finally I added. "I need to do it now and then, Joan. It's kind of a compulsion Isuppose. I love it!"She remained unperturbed. "Yes, I've heard that about men who wantto be women, though I never imagined I'd ever find myself marriedto one." She sighed. "You just might find it a little lessenjoyable if you had to do our things daily instead of just 'nowand then.' Have you thought of doing yourself up daily? Livinglike a woman all the time? Or becoming a woman in fact, going allthe way? Getting a nookie of your own installed between yourlegs?" No, never!" Afraid?" No. I just don't want to." How about breasts? Those you're wearing are lovely, and.
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