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Thoughts about my own shame of being gay of what my parents thought about it. Of how they tried to brain wash me into being straight. I was traumatised. I knew I was but I just wanted someone to come along and take control. I was useless at being in charge of my own life. I was killing myself slowly. I had wandered into the club looking for someone sadistic to play with me when Mattie had seen me. She came over and spoke to me, sitting down quietly next to me and giving me a drink. ?What do you want?? I said, annoyed at the intrusion. She just held the drink out and said nothing. I was 19 and she looked older than that, possibly 25. She looked hot too. I looked her in the eyes and even then something in her gaze made me look away. I caught a hint of a smile on her lips as I did. I took the drink and downed it. I knew I looked a mess and I was wondering what the hell she was doing even giving me the time of day. I fumbled about my pockets for a cigarette and she lit it. She had not shared this medical news with her husband,because she was afraid it would crush his feelings anddiminish his own sense of manhood. Her concern for hisfeelings had not been met, however. He had recentlygone to Russia for a while to “think about things.” Shedidn’t know whether her marriage would survive andcouldn’t decide whether she wanted it to, although apart of her still cared deeply for her husband.As we talked I continued to hold her hand and tried togive her words of encouragement. Finally, we got up toleave the caf. As we did, I put my arms around her togive her a “brotherly” kind of hug. She hugged me back,pressing herself against me. While I was feeling“brotherly,” Willie had other ideas and came to fullstrength like an iron rod. I tried to position myselfso that she couldn’t feel my engorged penis, but wasnot successful. Somewhat to my surprise, and toWillie’s great delight, Vera pressed herself against.
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