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Did you know that? And I was calmly sitting there telling him that me sleeping with someone else and trading up to him was for his own benefit. What the hell am I? Who was I?"Another pause. Another sip. Then Tara said, "Why am I telling this to you?"April could have told her. She wasn't telling April, she was letting out her own thoughts unfettered, for once – April wasn't involved in the conversation, she was just the audience. It would have taken someone like Tara, - so concerned with her own feelings and needs, - years to understand the implications of what she'd done, how she'd hurt someone else, someone else who's only crime was to love her unconditionally.Tara, deep down, recognized what she'd done and she needed to say it. But there was probably no one she could tell. No one of her work cronies, no one she could let her guard down in front of. April was not someone she socialized with. No one she knew. No one that she cared about. She could, ironically, be more honest with. This was how she had made her millions. ?Specialist erotica? she called it. ?Thecustomer wants to be sure it's the real thing happening on their screen,? she'dsay, ?And when they buy my stuff they know they get nothing that isn't 100%kosher.? I'd known for a long time that she made films of girls being tortured sexually.Jackie never put it as basically. But that is what she did. I never reallylistened when she was in boasting mode, as often she was when she was tipsy.But I took in that there were also invited audiences who paid $2,000 a headto witness live, and participate in the fantasies that she made real, withabsolutely no make believe for the poor girl victims. And the girls she hadwere always so incredibly beautiful. ?They want triple-A meat, and I don'taccept less?. She'd say. ?I never did, not even in the beginning.? And that was what was hurting momentarily as I heard that command. Was thathow Jackie had always regarded me. Was I just ?triple-A meat? to her? I knew that at.
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