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His face was as red as a stop sign, but I managed to coax out of him he had a thing about an older woman, though he wasn`t specific, and I took it, that it was me!” A look of relief skittered across Mays face, luckily apparently unnoticed but she said nothing, but now she had moved to sit by her friend, offering her comfort as she explained her story and getting herself out of direct eye contact, in one move! Wendy went on, “I asked if he masturbated, but before he could answer, I said, oh of course you do don’t we all, he half said how did I know, but I quickly said I did his laundry… adding but the real the question is what do you think of while you do it and do you enjoy it?… he looked shocked, so I told him that as I have no one to enjoy, I very often, ‘did it myself, I said I thought of various film stars as I did it, then I asked who he thought of and I wondered if he ever thought of me while he did it…. That had him stuttering I can tell you, but I persisted, and he admitted. We were both fighting this urge to have sex, and I blamed her for giving in just as much as I blamed myself. When I left her I wanted to believe that she was just a bitch and that I just couldn’t stand her anymore, but that wasn’t the case. The truth was my sexuality wasn’t as simple as I wanted to believe it was. The stories I had written were a testament to my issues. A part of me wanted to be a regular guy. I wanted to be like my father who I imagined kept himself in the missionary position when I heard him ramming my mother upstairs in their bed at night. But I couldn’t keep my imagination in line with the morals my parents tried to impose on me. It was after years of sexual exploration that I realized I didn’t hate Raquel. I was jealous of her. I was jealous of her because I wanted to be like her. It wasn’t that I hated my penis. I didn’t despise my manliness. As I got older I got more creative in my fantasy world. I wanted it all. I wanted to feel what sex was like as a woman..
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