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We both did, cried in each other’s arms, Cully. He kept thanking me for saving his life.”She stopped.“Cully, he thanked you as well, honey, trust me. I swear to God. I asked him to pray with me and we did. We knelt by the couch and prayed long and hard. I called his name and Tommy answered. Promised the Lord he wouldn’t fall again.”I was trying to segue into the realm of, well, you know. I’d initiated a ten count, at nine Girl saved me the trouble.“Cully, do you want me to tell it in great detail, or should I just give you an overview?”We’d moved into the kitchen for a second cup of tea. This one I’d steeped while Girl used the bathroom.It was tempting to go for the overview. Something told me to tread slowly in these strange waters.“The former, in great detail.”“Are you sure, honey?”“No, no, I’m not sure, do it anyway.”“We’d finished praying, but, were still on our knees, holding hands when I spoke to him plainly:“I want to be with you, Tommy.’”I closed my eyes.“Cully. Cully?”“Don’t. . but you know that's not at all what they mean? This was one of those moments. She said she would understand, but I knew that's not what she really meant."I do want to move in with you," I said. "But it's complicated." How complicated can it be, Bob? I can already afford to live there, and you bring your income to the table too. We'll be fine." Look, Mia, it's not as simple as me walking in and saying I live there now. You have a reputation to protect. You have neighbors you have to live with. It will cause problems with your parents. It will cause problems with my parents. Mia, you deserve better than me."There it was. What had been festering inside my brain, probably for years, when I think back on it, was that I had little worth as a person, and that Mia deserved somebody better than me. Maybe that's why I didn't keep writing to her, or go see her, or continue to fight for her. Maybe that's why I turned all my emotion to darker pursuits, and tried to punish everybody else.In any.
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