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His pain was more about me abandoning the marriage than it was anything physical. I hadn’t meant to do any of it. I knew that in my heart. If I’d been in control of myself, I wouldn’t have done any of the things I did. It makes my skin crawl when I think of the cheap hotels we went to, the dives where we drank and danced until all hours of the night…and the sex. The sex bothers me a lot. Except for that six months or so, I’ve never allowed any man but Mark to even kiss me, other than a little peck on the cheek or something. All that’s completely separate from the pain I caused Mark and my baby. I’m so terribly sorry about that too but I don’t know how to apologize anymore than I already do anytime Mark will let me. Doctor Jamison asked me if Mark would come back to counseling with me. He undoubtedly had a lot of anger he needed to come to terms with, she said. She said if Mark knew I had found myself again…if he could be convinced I’d lost myself for a time but I was recovering. At first it was difficult to make ends meet, we wereboth going to college and working part time jobs. I wasstudying commercial art in school and found a positionwith an ad agency that fit my schedule and was close towhere we lived. My job required me to work with a lotof different commercial artists around town whilegetting ads scheduled. I got to know one of the artists whose name was Gordonpretty good and would stop by his office several timesa week picking up and dropping off material. One day heshowed me around his building and showed me a fullyequipped studio with lights and backdrops that he hadbuilt but said he never had time to use. When Beth and I were eating dinner that night I toldher about the studio and that it was exactly what I hadhoped to have after I graduated. I discussed an idea Ihad come up with during the day about my starting myown business by renting the studio from Gordon. For meto do this I would have to quit my other part time jobwhich meant things would be a.
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