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I’ll never be able to kiss you at the top of the Ferris wheel. Our children will never meet, or families will be strangers. There will never be a chance to watch your hair grow back. I can’t ever remind you how beautiful you are, even when you’re bald and too thin. I promised I’d remember you like to be kissed gently, with a nibble at the end. Tears burn my eyes as I grieve for the lost chance to wake up next to you. I still want to hold your hand everywhere, at home, in public, during sex and while we sleep. I have so many questions that will have to remain unanswered. This loss, the slow grind of acceptance, is terrible. You fill my thoughts and my heart hurts. I wish for a different outcome. Crazy thoughts shoot through my head, bouncing off memories of you. What if I’d called sooner? I should have sent more little positive messages. I should have just asked permission to visit. If I had, you’d still be here, fighting. Then I wouldn’t have this huge ache inside. I recognize. Then someone opens thecage and attaches a leash, and I am led back to the animal control vehicleand I am transported back to the kennel where I spend the next few weeks.During this time I become a favorite with many of the dogs in the kennel.Most days I am end up being tied at least 3 times, some days more.Then one morning I am then led to a metal cage and placed inside and theylift the cage onto a cart and wheel it to a loading dock. The cage is placedin a truck and for the next 3 hours I am transported to my new home for thenext 5 years.When we arrive, I am taken to the livestock section, prisoners on the farmlaugh at me, and I am taken in the barn.The warden arrives and says that he is charged with carrying out mysentence, and that this situation presents them with some real problems.That's because livestock is normally raised for consumption that they haveno choice but to place me in there breeding program. However they cannotplace me as a male because that would be a reward not.
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