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I got a sweater for Christmas, I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal.9. I don't approve of political jokes, I've seen too many of them get elected.10. There are two sides to every divorce, his and the shithead bitch's - opps I mean witch's.11. I love being married, it's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.12. I am a nobody and nobody is perfect, therefore, I am perfect.13. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America???15. Having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words, "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's. ANY MORE PIZZA ANDI'LL FLATTEN YOUR TIRE WITH MY BELT, YOU LITTLE BITCH, THERE'S NOTHING FUNNIERTO ME THAN PULLING YOUR SPANDEX DOWN ANDREDDENING THAT GLUTEAL MESS YOU CALL A BOTTOM. GETWITH THE PROGRAM!CANIN' CONNIE January 10 I've been stuck at 119 poundsnow for three weeks. I tried to explain to Connie that it was just a plateau,and I wasn't cheating, but she gave me twelve vicious lashes with her caneacross my buttocks, then another four across my bare breasts! As I rolled onthe floor and wept, clutching my bosom, Connie told me that if I didn't losefive pounds by February first, she was going to give up the canes and bullwhipthe fat off me...I feel so hopeless. But Canin' Connie's haranging worked,and Tali was now down to one hundred and three pounds. Connie showed up now andthen and whipped Tali into shreds as the poor thing did jumping jacks, runningin place, and other calisthentics, and of course there was the horribleweigh-in. All the press was abuzz over how District.
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