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He was outrageously nervous, devoutly passionate about a religious dogma that no one could begin to understand and so far out on the paranoid scale, that any person who made eye contact was automatically deemed “unsafe.”Fight or flight was not an option for Carl. Once the pathos of paranoia took hold, it most often outpaced the other compulsions, causing him to break into uncontrollable sweats, speak so fast you might mistake it for incoherent babbling and shake all over, as if caught outside in frigid temperatures. More than one concerned citizen called 911 thinking the young, black man was having a heart attack.Hospitals were high on Carl’s list of unsafe places. He hated hospitals. They were in charge in hospitals. One lost control of themselves in hospitals. People gave you medicine in hospitals. You had no privacy for private things in hospitals. In those instances, Carl always disappeared before help could arrive. He had a perfect record of avoiding hospitals, ever since his. “Was it the way he smelled?” she asks. “His attitude? Did you look at his car?”I shrug; these were a part, though only small, but what are right words? “I know,” is all I can at last say. “It was not right.”“Just instinct then?”I ask her what is instinct, and she explains that it is feeling of animals that leads them to act without thinking. I know men may do in this way too, my reasons were not so but I can find no better way to speak it. I tell her yes, instinct.“Would you have done the same thing if you’d thought it was a real policeman?” she persists.“It was feeling I had from this man that makes me act so,” I tell her. “I do not know feeling of real police, so I cannot say. But if police are as you tell me, they seek to make others hold to law and do not do for themselves with no caring for law, then no, I would not do so.”“Well, I’m damn glad you did what you did, even if you don’t know exactly why,” she says. “Here, you’re reading well enough, read this.” And she hands me large.
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