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If I fuck a woman, I will tell you. You will be the first - or more likely, the third - to know. I repeat, I did not screw Linda Shoesmith.She screwed me. I never had to move a muscle. Quite how she managed to be so ... well ... physical ... with all that lot hanging from her chest, I do not know, but no doubt it's a question of sustained practice. We performed our act on the living room carpet. The television was on, but I cannot for the life of me remember anything about the show. For me, this is a damning indictment of the quality of British daytime television.What I do remember was Linda's mountainous breasts flopping massively against my face every time she bucked like a top of the range rodeo rough-rider mounted on my (admittedly no-more-than-average) prick. I never saw Linda's face throughout the entire process, although afterwards - when she had rolled off with a sigh - we kissed wetly and noisily for a while as she tried to remember if she had asked me my name. To be on the. "But that isn't possible." Anything is possible," the first voice stated."Where am I?" the second voice asked."Oh, we're in your bedroom," the first voice said and suddenly the lights came on to reveal two nondescript people in what appeared to be a bedroom. One of them was sitting in the chair at the desk while the other reclined on the bed."This isn't my bedroom," the second voice said from his position by the desk."True. It just lacks that inherent lived in feeling," the first voice agreed from the bed. "But then again, you're not actually among the living anymore." Excuse me?" the second voice exclaimed."Oh, pardon my manners," the first voice apologised mockingly. "You're dead."#TMAoJW#"What do you mean, I'm dead?" the second voice practically screeched. "How can I be dead if we are both in my bedroom?" I thought you just said this wasn't your bedroom," the first voice said snidely. "You really should make up your mind." How about you give me some goddamn answers?" the second.
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