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We could have- should have- spent the rest of our lives together laughing at the joke that was the world. I was ready to give up the charade of not wanting to be with her all the time when we met up in Wichita. That’s the reason I asked her to marry me. I believe, to this day, that she ran because of the sex we had- and misinterpreting my proposal as being part of that.If it wasn’t for Kelly I would have likely died not long after Rachel did. I would have taken my own life. Reliving the chain of events that lead up to that moment was like reliving a fatal car accident, over and over, in slow motion. I couldn’t process anything else until I re-groked what had happened. That’s why it is usually so deeply buried in my psyche.Next thing I remembered, we were crossing the state line northbound out of Florida with a load of General Steel Casting rail trucks for refurbishment in Alstom’s plant in Hornell. I was so upset the implication of Hornell as a place was lost to me. When I came back. For her, such an act would be equivalent to a commitment to a romantic relationship, something she also desperately wanted, but something that simply wasn’t possible for me to do.It wasn’t that I didn’t like Jolene a lot, but I didn’t have any romantic feelings for her. Even if I hadn’t been with Kara and Jessica - well, just Kara now - I couldn’t have a romantic relationship with Jolene because I didn’t feel that way about her. I did care for her, but I didn’t love her like I loved Jessica, Kara, Elyse, Jennifer, or for that matter, Kathy and Bethany.And that was the thing - I still loved Jessica. I might hate her for what she had done, and I might think the relationship was over, but that didn’t mean I didn’t love her. The problem was that it didn’t seem to matter anymore. All I wanted was for Jessica to talk to me, to tell me what she was thinking, and to decide together about our future, if there was one. After eight weeks, I didn’t think that there was. Jessica had thrown away.
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